Hypocrite!!!!

"Who are you talking about, Beth?" you must be wondering.  "What drama have you gotten yourself into this time?  Who has stomped on your heart now?"

The answer may - or may not - surprise you.

It's me.
     Yes, me. 
          The girl who said she didn't need a label. 
               The girl who has a tattoo on her left ring finger, to remind her that she's committed to God before any boy.
                    The girl who pointed a finger and said, "You're being weird!"

                    I was being weird.
               I put my desire for the boy before my commitment to God.
          I had a label in mind, and was ready to do almost anything to get it.
     Yes, me.
So what do I plan to do about it?

I plan to remind myself that I only need friends.  That God is in control.  That if I only look at Him, I won't worry about what might be or what isn't.  I want to focus on what IS.  I seem to forget that quite easily.

I ask you to hold me to that.

Labels

(inspired by a chat with Simon)

     So have you ever realized how into labels we are?  We aren't satisfied to just let things be.  We have to know where we stand with people.  Are we merely acquaintances?  Are we pals?  Are we as close as family? Are we ACTUALLY family?  Are we best friends?  Are we . . . have we decided what we are?
     A friend of mine asked me this evening why it was so difficult just to let things be.  He was advising me in a specific situation.  There's this guy I really like who probably isn't ready for a relationship right now, having just painfully come out of a very long and serious one. 
     This guy is absolutely amazing, and he seems to think I'm pretty amazing, as well, but I've begun doubting lately.  Not doubting how I feel about this guy . . . I've known how I've felt for a while.  But doubting how this guy actually feels about me.  It's possible that I am an "emotional stabilizer" (to use Simon's term) and that my role for now is to help this guy find a sense of normalcy in his recently-turned-upside-down world.
     But is that all I am to be?  That's the possibility I have to be open to.  And I've come to the realization that I am far more invested in what may not even exist than I had cared to acknowledge before.
     So, since ignorance can only be an excuse once, and now that I know what I'm doing, what decisions do I make from here?
     And, see, this is where I try to put labels on things.  I posted a few blogs back about packing things up in boxes with labels on them.  Well, you know what?  Maybe not everything HAS a label.  Maybe some things are just laying out, without labels.  Maybe there just there to be.  Maybe discovering them is part of the adventure.
     Maybe I should just know what my boundaries are, what my moral obligations are, and just experience life from there.  Let go of needless inhibition and just LIVE.  
     Maybe I should just throw away the box labeled "Things to Worry About" and just trust in God.  If I get hurt, then it means I needed to learn something.  But if my focus is on God, then there really is nothing to worry about.  Just read Jeremiah 29:11.

Label THAT.

In my heart . . . 
     there is a desire to be needed
     there is a void to be filled
     there is the knowledge that my hope is in Christ alone
          Yet -
In my heart . . .
     I know I am precious to Him
     I know He alone is worthy of my focus
     I know His plans are perfect
          And still -
In my heart . . .
     I long to be loved by another
     I long to be a "party of two"
     I long to be filled with the knowledge that I am important to him
          But through it all
               I am confused
                    In my heart . . .

So I've been a little jealous when my friends have moved to New York or Hollywood to chase their dreams . . . so what am I doing?  Next week, I will move to Nashville to chase mine. 

           I want to be a singer/song-writer/musician in the Christian genre.

I have a friend up there who wants to try to record some of my stuff . . . and I have an audition with a rock/country band with whose members I work, just to get started and get "out there."

To help me on my quest, I finally broke down and bought a five-string bass on Saturday.  It's a Mexican Fender Jazz Bass, and it's purty.  hehe  My fingers are killing me right now from playing it at church yesterday, though.  I got used to my Elixir Ployweb strings on my four-string, but these are Dean Markleys.  They're much rougher on my delicate girl skin.  haha!

Please keep me in your prayers, and know that, just by reading this, you have been prayed for. God bless you all!

***To those of you who fly or make reservations online:***

  My brother, who is in the military, is getting married in PA next month.  I had booked my flight on Wednesday, when we ALL thought they were getting married in Virginia Beach.  As soon as I found out that their planner had a heart attack and hadn't made ANY of the preparations, and that the wedding was being moved to PA, I tried to change my flight reservations.

     Orbitz.com said I would be charged an extra $227, on top of what I'd already paid, just to change the city.  So I called and spoke with a representative with very poor English.  I told her three times I wasn't trying to be rude, but I couldn't understand her, so could I please speak with someone else.  She just continued to repeat herself, louder and louder.  Finally, I asked for a supervisor, but even he couldn't help me.  Or rather, he wouldn't.  I could either pay $227 extra, or just fly into Norfolk, VA for the original price.  Not very helpful at all.

     So, then I called Northwest Airlines, who told me they would charge me only $207, in addition to what I'd already paid.  I explained the situation to that lady, as well.  She didn't care.  I could either pay $207 extra, or fly into Norfolk, VA for the original price.  Oh, I could cancel and there would be no fee, but I'd still be out that money that was charged to my credit card.  Thanks!

     It is very obvious that neither of these companies is very Patriotic.  Neither cares that the family of a man fighting for our country is desperate to see his wedding, even though it's so far away.  And whether you agree with Bush or not about this war, it's not the soldiers' faults, and we should still support them.

     ***I would like to urge you to share this with people about whom you care.  Don't use Orbitz.com OR Northwest Airlines.  You may regret it, if you do.  I know I do.***

     I hope you all have a wonderfully fun and safe holiday weekend!!